NEWSBREAKZ

Officer Larry Bertrand is a rather cross and unpleasant man when it comes to performing his professional duties. One might reckon that much of this bitterness stems from his formative years as a spotty lad with a set of teeth that would make the British dental industry proud, who could scarcely walk down the halls of his public school without tripping over his own feet. His home life provided little solace; his mum was more concerned with her stories on the telly than with the comings and goings of her own family, whereas his father preferred the company of the boys on the cricket pitch and liberal quaffs from his scotch bottle. These days, the good officer carries out his tasks with the same kind of heavy-handed and over-zealous verve that the jack-booted thugs of 1930’s Europe displayed as they overran most of the continent — pillaging and looting the countryside as if it were his own personal gymnasium and working out his perverse aggressions upon the fragile innocence of the local maidens.

Fellow officer Michelle Ott hails from a fervently religious community in rural Utah that takes the idea of being fruitful and multiplying to its outermost degree. Apparently her father had quite a number of wives and had sired so many children as to field his own rugby squad. She was the youngest of this brood and would still be in their good graces had it not been for an unfortunate evangelical tarriance to the ostentatious city of Las Vegas. Whilst there as a young lass just before her teenage years, she contracted a rather nasty and virulent pelvic infection (supposedly from a toilet seat but its true provenance we shall never quite know for sure). The treatment programme consisting of “prayer and healing touches” proved ineffective, thus rendering her infertile. Her inability to fulfill her duties as a woman was the source of much consternation for her father as well as the church elders so it was decided that she be excommunicated and banished to some place far outside their Arcadian lands. Mirroring the abstinent, teetotaling ways of her former church, the barren Ms. Ott quickly found employment with the Alcohol Board of Control and now repeals every license she can, in the sincere — if not utterly misguided — hope this will curry favor with her once loving family.

Read more about the adventures of Officer Larry Bertrand and Michelle Ott *HERE* and *HERE*