We at NewsBreakz think Peter Fonda said it best in The Wild Angels, “We want to be free! We want to be free to do what we want to do! We want to be free to ride. And we want to be free to ride our machines without being hassled by The Man. And we want to get loaded. And we want to have a good time! And that’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna have a good time. We’re gonna have a party!” Unfortunately, some in the law enforcement community have decided a quick and easy way to advance their careers is to volunteer for some high risk duty (hold for childish giggling…) Specifically, go undercover at Burning Man. Yes there are undercover cops at Burning Man; let’s get past this. But with right kind of eyes, it becomes very easy to discern who is covertly running surveillance operations on you and your favorite large scale sound system camp. And with the following tips and techniques you too can easily spot your local undercover cop.
SHOES:
No self respecting Burner–whether its their first year or tenth–will ever wear cross trainers. EVER! for any reason. No one needs footwear that provides support and traction over a variety of surfaces and terrains and they certainly don’t need cross trainers walking around the Black Rock Desert. Which brings me to this next detail, if their shoes are just a bit too expensive and too new and too clean–like they spent last night in an air conditioned hotel room–you’re probably talking to a cop. And don’t think for a second that a pair furry boot covers from Hot Topic can adequately disguise their department issue cross trainers. Ironically, it’s the female cops who always give themselves away with this detail. When it comes to playa footwear, Burner Barbies will always choose fabulosity and extreme platform height over comfort and support. Basically, you want to consider the overall affect of the ensemble. If they’re sporting the team issue Reno Slore uniform (read: the dancewear display selection off the window mannequin from the Fredrick’s of Hollywood at the Fashion Show mall in Las Vegas) but they have on a pair of fantastically colored $200 Nike running shoes–say it with me–you’re probably talking to a cop.
COSTUMING:
As an overall sartorial guideline, any clothing item with flames on it should be reserved for massive corporate sponsored contests of speed and certainly should not be worn at Burning Man. Also, an overabundance–more then one item–of faux fur should be avoided. Faux fur vests and matching faux fur pimp hat with tight shiny pants cuffed in faux fur is never a good look. Similarly for females, bright neon colored furry boot covers, furry titty tops, furry booty shorts and furry cowboy hat will not only make you look like an undercover cop but will attract unwanted attention; like backward baseball hat wearing dudes trying to stuff fake $100′s into your waistband and screaming “WOOOOO!” Again, just like with the shoes consider the ensemble in total. If they’re sporting a $500 full length faux fur pimp coat but the rest is a head-to-toe outfit that came from the clubwear collections of Forever 21, Wet Seal and/or straight out of the catalogs in the back of Rolling Stone magazine, they are undercover cops. And anyone wearing guy liner should be avoided; cop or not. No guy liner!
TRANSPORTATION:
Are they riding around on a minimally decorated golf cart consisting of a string of rope lights and furry seat covers? Yep, they’re cops.
HAIRSTYLE:
No amount of hair gel faux hawks, clip in feathers, and yarn Rasta wigs can cover up their department issue cuts. And really, the only ones unironically sporting the Faux Hawk these days are the andros at the Lexington (it’s true…) and they definitely don’t go to BRC and even if they did, they would not randomly approach you and euphemistically ask for drugs. (more on that later…) Take note of their facial hair. If he’s wearing a two week old goatee, (ie, when he got the assignment and was told to start growing one by his sergeant) that dude is a cop. Also here’s a helpful tip: wigs are a great place to hide a mic pack. So if she’s balancing a bright pink beehive Trannyshack wig on the top of her head, she’s an undercover cop.
DANCE MOVES:
It’s just a fact of modern life, cops cannot dance. They are physically incapable to move in any rhythmic fashion. (think of the nightclub scene from RoboCop 2 and you’ll get the idea…) A few brave ones will attempt to mimic the steps they’ve learned in their Zumba aerobics classes but this won’t last long. Plus all that jostling around fucks up the surveillance equipment thats been elaborately strapped to them. Not to mention, trying to record a conversation while standing in front of a 100,000 watt JBL Vertex sound system will result in nothing but heavily distorted sub bass tones. So undercover cops do not dance.
THE BEST METHOD TO SPOTTING AN UNDERCOVER COP:
They are asking you for drugs at Burning Man! Seriously, if you don’t know who there are, you have never met them before, you don’t even vaguely recognize them and they are randomly engaging you in an overly friendly conversation and within three sentences they are asking you for drugs in an indirect and euphemistic lexicon, they are undercover cops! Here’s a good rule of thumb: Do you know them from back home in San Francisco? No? Then they’re a cop. But these cops are wily. They will introduce themselves with contrived playa names and then awkwardly start talking to you much in the same way Mormon missionaries begin conversations with you on Muni. They might even reference a friend of yours (“hey Captain Flame said you might have something fun to share…”) And they won’t ask for a particular narcotic by name. They won’t even use colloquial names either. Usually they’ll say something innocuous like “do you have anything to share to make me more happy?” or “I sure could use a quick pick me up…” Do not fall for it. Don’t even think for a second that this IS Burning Man after all and we should keep ourselves open for new experiences. Getting arrested is not a new experience you need. Bottom line: If you have never met them off the playa, if they aren’t a recognized friend from back home, if they just appeared out of the dark and are suddenly sweating you for drugs, they are cops!
SO, If you do suddenly find yourself targeted by one of these many roving bands of undercover cops, dodging their subterfuge is very easy. Just remember one simple phrase. It is a phrase that will give you some amount of plausible deniability as well as create a fair amount of confusion on the cops part. When they engage you, resist the urge to grab their wire and beatbox into the mic, but look them directly in the eyes and say “I have no idea what you’re talking about…” and walk away. Just walk away.